The night before heading to the Bahamas a few weeks ago, I spent a nice chunk of the evening doing what I always do before a beach vacation- slapping on fake tanner. This is why:
It is a frankly absurd thing to do, I know. What in past centuries would have marked me as aristocratic now gets me comments about how I look like I don't go outside. A guy I used to date said I looked like I was descended from a clan of Scottish cave people. Nice. Imagine going back in time and explaining to my ancestors that pale skin is not chic (but you still want to be white; ironic, non?) and we ultra-white ladies dye ourselves light brown (or, if you buy the cheap stuff, orange!) so we can go out in the summer and not offend people with our paleness. At the same time, plenty of Japanese girls buy skin lightener. No one is content...
In any case, I stopped by Sephora for a can of my favourite fake tanner, St. Tropez Bronzing Mousse. It's expensive, but once I got over the fear of applying it wrong, I found it does a very nice job. I buy one can a year, in February. Now, at my age, wandering around Sephora is a form of torture; they're forever changing locations of the merchandise, so you end up walking through a maze of makeup while tarted up girls spritz fragrance at you, and club music blasts. So fun. Anyway, I searched the store, and couldn't find it, so I asked an employee. "Oh, we don't carry that anymore," she said.
Well, of course you don't.
I swear that I have a magical effect on retailers- the second I buy something, it is immediately discontinued. Pottery Barn was the worst. I used to buy things there peace meal, because they're so damned expensive, but they'd usually discontinue whatever I was buying before I had the complete set. Bathroom towels, cutlery, and worst of all, my beloved Old Fashioned glasses. They were rounded, with a silver band, and I loved them. They were exactly like the glasses Don Draper gets hammered from on Mad Men, but I had them 5 years before. I briefly had a set of six, but I'm a klutz, and I break a lot of glasses. Since Pottery Barn stopped selling them, it was like And Then There Were None at my house. Bastards.
Aaanyway, now the only tanner that doesn't make me look like a carrot (or worse, John Boehner) has been taken from me. The sales girl had an alternative, though.
The new stuff was called Vita Liberata. I'd never heard of it, but she walked me though it. "How will it work on skin as pale as mine?" I asked her.
"Well, it is made in Ireland, so it is designed for pale skin with blue undertones," she said. Hmm, now we're talking! I am the Pale Trifecta of English, Scottish, and Danish (with a tiny bit of Irish thrown in for good measure). I figured I'd give it a try.
Before I applied it, I was the colour of Liquid Paper. And after? Well, I was a little less pale. The tan actually looked good on the first day of my vacation. I was wearing white jeans, and you could actually differentiate my legs from the fabric, so, success! I will say, one great thing is that Vita Liberata truly has no fake tan smell. Even St. Tropez has a bit of the familiarly intense tanning scent, but this stuff doesn't. That made the whole process slightly less gross.
In the Bahamas, I got a bit of actual sun and tried not to burn, and the tan lasted well enough for the first few days. Then, I felt I needed a reapplication, despite this stuff supposedly being good for 3 weeks. I got out the application glove and the mousse, and started re-applying my tan, while shielding myself from the actual sun. Supposedly, this stuff would turn me a dark bronze if I left it on too long. I knew I would look ridiculous if I got too dark, so I did the rinse-off 2 hours after application, as per the instructions. In the shower, I was alarmed to watch most of the tan go down the drain. I still had colour, but not as much as I had hoped for. I guess I should have gone for the bronze!
I still have some left. I'll bust it out when spring comes, and I switch from boots and tights to sandals and bare legs. This is assuming spring will come, and we haven't entered some fucking ice age, which I wouldn't doubt right now. In which case, we'll all be bundled in Canada Goose jackets, and I'll continue to be the colour of freshly fallen snow.
 |
| That'd be me, on the left. |
 |
| Are we sure she's Irish? |
In any case, I stopped by Sephora for a can of my favourite fake tanner, St. Tropez Bronzing Mousse. It's expensive, but once I got over the fear of applying it wrong, I found it does a very nice job. I buy one can a year, in February. Now, at my age, wandering around Sephora is a form of torture; they're forever changing locations of the merchandise, so you end up walking through a maze of makeup while tarted up girls spritz fragrance at you, and club music blasts. So fun. Anyway, I searched the store, and couldn't find it, so I asked an employee. "Oh, we don't carry that anymore," she said.
Well, of course you don't.
I swear that I have a magical effect on retailers- the second I buy something, it is immediately discontinued. Pottery Barn was the worst. I used to buy things there peace meal, because they're so damned expensive, but they'd usually discontinue whatever I was buying before I had the complete set. Bathroom towels, cutlery, and worst of all, my beloved Old Fashioned glasses. They were rounded, with a silver band, and I loved them. They were exactly like the glasses Don Draper gets hammered from on Mad Men, but I had them 5 years before. I briefly had a set of six, but I'm a klutz, and I break a lot of glasses. Since Pottery Barn stopped selling them, it was like And Then There Were None at my house. Bastards.
 |
| God, I loved these glasses. But I digress... |
Aaanyway, now the only tanner that doesn't make me look like a carrot (or worse, John Boehner) has been taken from me. The sales girl had an alternative, though.
The new stuff was called Vita Liberata. I'd never heard of it, but she walked me though it. "How will it work on skin as pale as mine?" I asked her.
"Well, it is made in Ireland, so it is designed for pale skin with blue undertones," she said. Hmm, now we're talking! I am the Pale Trifecta of English, Scottish, and Danish (with a tiny bit of Irish thrown in for good measure). I figured I'd give it a try.
Before I applied it, I was the colour of Liquid Paper. And after? Well, I was a little less pale. The tan actually looked good on the first day of my vacation. I was wearing white jeans, and you could actually differentiate my legs from the fabric, so, success! I will say, one great thing is that Vita Liberata truly has no fake tan smell. Even St. Tropez has a bit of the familiarly intense tanning scent, but this stuff doesn't. That made the whole process slightly less gross.
In the Bahamas, I got a bit of actual sun and tried not to burn, and the tan lasted well enough for the first few days. Then, I felt I needed a reapplication, despite this stuff supposedly being good for 3 weeks. I got out the application glove and the mousse, and started re-applying my tan, while shielding myself from the actual sun. Supposedly, this stuff would turn me a dark bronze if I left it on too long. I knew I would look ridiculous if I got too dark, so I did the rinse-off 2 hours after application, as per the instructions. In the shower, I was alarmed to watch most of the tan go down the drain. I still had colour, but not as much as I had hoped for. I guess I should have gone for the bronze!
 |
| The first application. Not bad, I guess. |
Comments
Post a Comment