They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I'm sure this is true, but I run hot. I'm sort of a human firecracker- burn hot, over quickly, and usually fun to watch. Revenge in theory is appealing, but in practice, well, I've never been able to stay mad about something long enough to pull it off. I can whip together a pretty good revenge fantasy, however.
I used to work for a company with a CEO who was flat-out crazy. Like, possibly a diagnosable sociopath. He made a lot of people miserable at that place. A few of us had a fantasy that got us through the tough times: if we won the lottery, our plan was to buy the billboard opposite his downtown office, and plaster it with a big picture of the 3 of us flipping him the bird. (I know, I know, probably not possible, but stick with me, it's a fantasy.) We figured he'd get fired eventually (correct!), so to make it more satisfying, we planned to have the billboard follow him wherever he went. For the rest of his career, we dreamed, when he looked out his office window, he'd see 3 former employees giving him the finger. New York, London, Singapore- anywhere on earth, there we'd be. This nightmare of a man wouldn't be able to shake us. After planning it, we'd laugh a bit, then we'd get back to work. It was a silly way to cut the tension, and helped us deal with the stress.
Similarly, I once had a downstairs neighbour who wanted to share his favourite music (or at least the bass line of it) with the world. He seemed to have no clue that condos weren't soundproof. He blasted music at a bone-rattling volume that I struggle to imagine was even pleasant for him. He'd do this so regularly that I had to go down to ask him to give me a break on CHRISTMAS EVE. It was nearing midnight, the rest of the city was falling asleep or in church (or falling asleep in church) and my dishes were shaking from the club music coming from downstairs. "Dude, what the hell, it's Christmas" I said. He looked completely puzzled. 'But it's a holiday" he whined. "Not that kind of holiday," I told him. Jesus, I was pissed. How do I end up near these people?
I controlled my rage with another lottery fantasy. In this one, I would subject him to music played at Gitmo-torture levels. I'd move out, but leave behind the sort of sound system usually found in stadiums, and blast Celine Dion, or German death metal, whatever would drive him nuts, at 5 AM, until the cops came and shut it down. Imagining him being kept awake by a dance remix of the Titanic theme song helped me fall asleep with a smile even though my bedroom walls were vibrating.
I think most of us indulge in a little Karmic payback dreaming every now and then. Obviously, if I ever find myself with millions of dollars and a lot of time on my hands, the last thing I'm going to do is waste time thinking about people who have wronged me in minor ways. Still, this keeps me amused, which keeps me from confronting people and getting fired or going to jail for tossing my neighbour's speakers (or possibly my neighbour) off a 21st floor balcony. If you feel like you're going to exact revenge on someone, you should probably call a shrink. Revenge is actually a dish best not served at all. Like anything with cucumbers in it.
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| Also a dish best served cold. Great, now I'm hungry... |
I used to work for a company with a CEO who was flat-out crazy. Like, possibly a diagnosable sociopath. He made a lot of people miserable at that place. A few of us had a fantasy that got us through the tough times: if we won the lottery, our plan was to buy the billboard opposite his downtown office, and plaster it with a big picture of the 3 of us flipping him the bird. (I know, I know, probably not possible, but stick with me, it's a fantasy.) We figured he'd get fired eventually (correct!), so to make it more satisfying, we planned to have the billboard follow him wherever he went. For the rest of his career, we dreamed, when he looked out his office window, he'd see 3 former employees giving him the finger. New York, London, Singapore- anywhere on earth, there we'd be. This nightmare of a man wouldn't be able to shake us. After planning it, we'd laugh a bit, then we'd get back to work. It was a silly way to cut the tension, and helped us deal with the stress.
Similarly, I once had a downstairs neighbour who wanted to share his favourite music (or at least the bass line of it) with the world. He seemed to have no clue that condos weren't soundproof. He blasted music at a bone-rattling volume that I struggle to imagine was even pleasant for him. He'd do this so regularly that I had to go down to ask him to give me a break on CHRISTMAS EVE. It was nearing midnight, the rest of the city was falling asleep or in church (or falling asleep in church) and my dishes were shaking from the club music coming from downstairs. "Dude, what the hell, it's Christmas" I said. He looked completely puzzled. 'But it's a holiday" he whined. "Not that kind of holiday," I told him. Jesus, I was pissed. How do I end up near these people?
I controlled my rage with another lottery fantasy. In this one, I would subject him to music played at Gitmo-torture levels. I'd move out, but leave behind the sort of sound system usually found in stadiums, and blast Celine Dion, or German death metal, whatever would drive him nuts, at 5 AM, until the cops came and shut it down. Imagining him being kept awake by a dance remix of the Titanic theme song helped me fall asleep with a smile even though my bedroom walls were vibrating.
I think most of us indulge in a little Karmic payback dreaming every now and then. Obviously, if I ever find myself with millions of dollars and a lot of time on my hands, the last thing I'm going to do is waste time thinking about people who have wronged me in minor ways. Still, this keeps me amused, which keeps me from confronting people and getting fired or going to jail for tossing my neighbour's speakers (or possibly my neighbour) off a 21st floor balcony. If you feel like you're going to exact revenge on someone, you should probably call a shrink. Revenge is actually a dish best not served at all. Like anything with cucumbers in it.
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